Empty

Empty. Stoic. Numb

Have you ever felt so disconnected to everyone around you? It's where you can see, hear and smell everything that is connected to everyone around you but the human emotion isn't there. That's how I felt when my dad left. There was no dramatic fall or burst of tears, I just stood there, looking at my dad's lifeless body is complete silence.

All the events that happened after that were emotionless. It was like I couldn't feel anything. The fraction of emotion that I felt only lasted around 5 minutes when my Matrix friend Izzah called. I sort of felt a little relief that I was able to actually feel something from hearing her voice. So I do wanna send my deepest thanks and unconditional love to Izzah Muhaimy.

Everyone there kept saying that my time of grief will come. Its just taking some time to hit me. I always knew that that's how my heart worked. Whenever I was suppose to feel a certain emotion and I feel like I can't handle it, I shut it out. I'll just brush it off to the back of my head and at the depths of my heart. Eventually that emotion will build up and I would snap.

It happened to me once in college. After 'snapping' I literally isolated myself from everyone. It was like I'm there but I wasn't fully there. Now I'm afraid that this time when I snap, it will become a little harder than before. I honestly don't know how I would snap this time. Would I cry? Get angry? Go insane?

But feelings aside, I'm glad that my dad went in peace. His whole burial process was smooth and there were no complications. Everyone was there except my grandfather, uncle and my uncle's family who were overseas. His high school friends from St John buried him which amazed me at how close their bond is even after a good 30 years.

For your information, I'm fine. I feel fine. I'm still smiling, joking and laughing. If you saw me right now, you would think that nothing bad happened. And that I looked like how I look every other day. When my high school friends came just now, I was being my old sarcastic stupid self. We were laughing and reminiscing about our high school years.

But I know that everytime I see my reflection, my smile seems a little off and my eyes didn't shine like it use to. To certain people who have known me in a deeper sense would see it in an instant. The truth is that I am sad, I just don't show it as well. Typical Shane, never wanting too seem weak in the eyes of others.

Before I end, I look to thank my friends Fifa and Rafa for accompanying me in the morning before I left for the mosque. To Nurul and Tiqa for making it to the burial with me. To Lula, Zarith and Jasmin for showing me that true friends have deeper bonds especially during hard times. I never expected you guys to come cause we haven't spoken since prom but I'm really thankful that you came.

To the others who wrote on my facebook, texted me or call, I thank you too. And I love you more than any words could say.

and lastly to my dad whom I would always love and respect. You will always be apart of me regardless of where you are.

Indulging in the beats of : Still Here by Natasha Bedingfield

Chou